Zdravstvuyte, rebyata!

Do you know who I am?

I am Generalissimus Stalin!

Da. On my honor.

I would not lie to you. Never.

I hate lies.

Do you know what I do with liars?

I roast them

and eat them!

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha!


You may call me Uncle - Uncle Joe.

I would like that.

I would like that very much.

You are good revolutionaries.

I am proud of you.

You did what was expected of you.

You did your duty.

You denounced your parents, your relatives, your friends

- the enemies of our glorious Revolution!

No matter how big or small

their transgressions.

They are now being educated to understand

the error of their ways.

Understand they will.

And denounce themselves.

And ask for forgiveness.

Which may be granted.

Granted it may be.

Depending on how sincere they are.

For it is not enough to say, “I am sorry, Uncle Joe”.

Oh no.

If they are truly contrite,

they will give us the names

of their friends and relatives,

so that we may show them the error of their ways,


They need to accept their punishment,

be grateful for it.

Kiss the hand that flails them.

To atone for the harm

they tried to inflict upon you

and our beloved Motherland.

They wanted you

to become what?

The enemies of the Revolution!

What cruelty! What treachery!


That is why

I have provided you with this bright, modern

Stalin’s Orphanage, where you can live, and learn, and play,

and become cannon fodder

in the wars I am about to launch.

For the glory of our Republic!

For the sins of your fathers!

For your loving Uncle Joe!

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

Ypsilanti, August 2021